Personal Thoughts

I wish there was someway to change they shyness that lurks in the cavern of my mind. I want to make him leave, make him go to a new cave. I am sick of him being there, I want to change the way I feel about myself. I hate myself to an extent that it’s hard for me to even talk to people anymore. Over and over again I say to myself, “I must change” but I never do. The thing about that is that I am “self conscious “ and I don’t like to be I really don’t. I think I have had to bottle up who I am, not how I feel in some cases, because I have been insulted by so many people my entire life. How do I make this change come about? I am in the process of setting up an appointment with a therapist. But will that really help, I’m not too sure. I have to learn that people judge and just say “so what” but its harder then it seems. I walk around and I admire those people who can speak without any worries, who don’t give a shit about what they say. I want to be like that, but it seems like I never will. Maybe I’ve thought about this too many times. I need to make an effort; the thing is I don’t know what to do with that effort. I sincerely wish that at 26 or 27 I will be a changed man. I want to take this next year and make it a year of change. I am not going to take shit from nobody. I start to wonder if mediation will help. Maybe just taking time with myself, no internet no phone no nothing and just think. But I think that will end in disaster because sometimes the thoughts that go through my head aren’t exactly a good thing. I wonder if I could find a self-help book that will help me coop with what I feel. I went to a party tonight and as much as I wanted to participate in all the convo and get excited there was some unknown force that didn’t allow me to speak. I think that unknown force really happends to be me, I want to speak but I am so afraid of saying something stupid that I don’t speak at all. This gives some people the creepy vibe, and I hate that. My words that come out of my hand flow so easily. Its my mouth that causes the damn, and what’s weird is when I was a child I didn’t have that problem it wasn’t until middle school, when kids would insult one another that it started to happen. But now that I am an adult I try not to take things personally, but I do. I feel very helpless right now. I have good friends and good family but at the same time I feel alone. I feel alone because I feel that nobody understands me, nobody understands me because I am so shy and reserved yet I have this silly side to me that never fucking comes out expect maybe once in a while. My head is swimming with bad thoughts about myself right now as I write this even.